My birthday is coming up. I'll be turning 23 on June 1st, which means I've been living at home for the past six months. It will be nearly half a year since my diagnosis.
The other day I went through pictures on my phone and skimmed all the way back to May 2016. On May 28th I took a picture with a friend on our way back from Revere Beach, sun-kissed and oh-so carefree. A year later: it's just as sunny, I'm longing for a beach - but now I'm stuck in bed two days after chemo and feeling nauseous and weak. On April 11th 2016 I saw Rihanna perform at TD Garden. 365 days later I was waiting for my CT results at the Heidelberg Thorax Clinic, my heart beating 120 beats per minute, exhausted from sleep deprivation and trying to cope with an aching mind and body. As a naturally flexible person I have adapted fairly smoothly to this new life, even let go of past expectations. Apart from the slightest bittersweet ache I felt once seeing the graduation pictures on my friends Facebook pages, I've closed the chapter of my life at Berklee and as a young professional, for now. It can be overwhelming at times to recognize that most of the things we hold on to for support are so unstable and quite frankly, irrelevant. A year ago my time and energy was mostly invested in my education and career. Both of which have no place in my life now. If these things can change or disappear entirely within a blink of an eye, then they cant be the engine that keeps me running. I recently spoke with a friend and he told me that when I come up in conversation he tells people that I live at home and doesn't mention why. At first I was put off by that. I felt like I needed to validate myself to these people and explain why I was living at home, and why I'm not in school or working. His response to that was: "I tell them about all the things you are. I don't need to tell them what you do. Whether you're living at home and figuring things out, or you're working in Boston, none of those things make you the person you are. You were strong before anything else ever happened." His words made so much sense it almost surprised me that I needed reminding. Cancer didn't make me strong. I was strong as little girl, riding a bike up a hill, refusing to get off until I'd reached the top. College didn't make me dedicated, I was passionate even before I learned how to play music - music just became one of the outlets. I am my engine, I am my drive and in the end that is what will remain, no matter where this journey takes me. I don't wish to disregard the importance or value of college or building a career. I also don't regret any of the time and energy I spent there. I've just adjusted my perspective and to what extent they matter to me in the time that I'm given to make myself and those I love happy. When facing your own mortality on a daily basis you ask yourself what you want people to remember you as and what you want to leave behind. I'd like to leave the people I care about filled to the rim with all the love I can grow during my precious time here. There's a very lovely poem by Rupi Kaur that sums up my feelings on this topic perfectly. “most importantly love like it's the only thing you know how at the end of the day all this means nothing this page where you're sitting your degree your job the money nothing even matters except love and human connection who you loved and how deeply you loved them how you touched the people around you and how much you gave them” I will never stop learning, even if I don't go back to school and eventually I might even become a functioning part of society again and be able to work a job. However, it wont be my purpose and it definitely wont define the person I was from the very beginning.
37 Comments
Patti Baxter
5/30/2017 06:39:21 pm
You don't know me, Carla, but as a fellow cancer battler I honor your strength and your journey. I know you're going to come out on the other side of this even stronger and more committed to life. God bless you.
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Arlene
5/30/2017 07:20:57 pm
Hi Carla. We have never met, but I am Elenas oldest cousin. Your posts are so beautiful and real, I hope one day to meet you and until then, know that there is an army of people sending positive thoughts and energy your way. ❤️❤️
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Josh Shpak
5/30/2017 07:26:59 pm
thank you for this reminder Carla, and thank you for being a model of light, perseverance and dedication to your passions/calling. Much love from here!!
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Cindy Cooper
5/31/2017 02:47:18 am
Carla, please know that as your birthday nears you are surrounded by loving thoughts and positive thoughts. You have reminded many of us about what is truly important. Much love from Virginia.
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Gaia
5/31/2017 05:59:31 am
Lots of Love and Energy to you, Carla. You are a real inspiration for everyone. Thank you for sharing your strength with us and for showing the world how brave and special your soul is.
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Rene Nelson
5/31/2017 06:13:17 am
We LOVE you Carla! So proud of your strength and courage and pulling for you all these miles away. Happy 23rd Birthday to you! Aunt Rene, Uncle Eric, Wyatt & Ruthie
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Andrei
5/31/2017 06:25:13 am
Lots of love and strength! Thank you for sharing this!
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Gretchen
5/31/2017 07:21:12 am
Thank you so much Carla for sharing your wisdom. One powerful statement is enough to truly ignite tremendous change!
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Nancy Arendas
5/31/2017 08:52:03 am
Your beauty outshines your illness. This moment of this day is all we have. Thank you for so beautifully reminding me. May you be surrounded by love on your birthday and may God always give you strength.
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Marsha Babb Smudde
5/31/2017 11:45:29 am
Carla
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5/31/2017 04:56:27 pm
Hi Carla! My name is also Carla, so your posts always sing out to me when I see your name! I am a friend of your sister Rebecca. I love what you write! And you are so right -- you are more than what you can and cannot do, you are more than the cancer, and you are more than what others think of you too. Your soul shines so bright -- you are truly a gift to all those around you. I hope you can feel that.
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Rjs
5/31/2017 06:04:45 pm
We're all pulling for you
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tim Zannes
6/6/2017 05:38:23 pm
The depth of your soul and the strength you display are awe inspiring. Everyone who knows you becomes richer, even if they have never met you. Very few people are able to have the impact on others that you are having by being so resolute and strong through your trial. You are now a more important 'functioning member of society' than anyone else I know. thank you.
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AuthorI'm carla. My friends think I'm a superhuman and will change the world and right now I'm battling lung cancer and I'm trying to keep you all updated. (Friends are currently writing this - carla really is a superhuman) Archives
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