I have a very strong memory of my father telling me this story about Moses Mendelssohn, a hunch back who was in love with this beautiful woman and wanted to marry her.
I don't remember all the details, but she ended up saying yes - against all expectations - because the hunch back told her that the reason he looked the way he did was because he asked God to give him this face and body so that his love wouldn't have to carry such burdens. He was certain he'd be able to handle this challenge and didn't wish it on anyone else. The story had quite an impact on me as a child and it defined the concept of love for me for the first time. As far as I was concerned love meant keeping others out of harms way even if it left you with a hunched back. When I was first diagnosed a lot of people told me "you're the last person who should have to deal with this" and I couldn't help thinking they were absolutely mistaken. We all shine during different moments in life and show our true strength in different situations and we're not all built to withstand the same types of pressure. My body and mind perform best when the stakes are high. I shine in crucial moments and I remain calm when my well being is at stake. I'm weakest when the people I love and care about are in pain. To me, my friends and family are the brave ones. They have to let go, trust me and take my words for granted that I'll be fine. All they can do is stand by, wait and make the journey less lonely. I would be miserable in that position. My mind would never be at rest and my body would fail me. So it makes perfect sense to me why I was handed this card and why my friends and family are here to accompany me during this time. We can get the most out of this situation taking on the roles we were given. I'd probably suffer harder if I had to watch someone I love fight this battle. Lung cancer tried to derail my life and so much has changed in so little time, but I've landed on my feet and feel like I have the best ammunition to fight back. Since my diagnosis in January I've finished my first Chemo cycle, moved back home, seen old friends, made music and art, travelled through Germany and have started every morning with a sense of purpose and meaning. Bottom line: I'm doing ok. And I'd like to think that I'm ok because I chose to take on this burden in order to keep someone I love from having to fight this battle.
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AuthorI'm carla. My friends think I'm a superhuman and will change the world and right now I'm battling lung cancer and I'm trying to keep you all updated. (Friends are currently writing this - carla really is a superhuman) Archives
March 2017
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