I woke up a few days ago and realised, slightly shocked, that it's December. Somehow, with me being so involved with my day-by-day existence, I lost track of the bigger picture of time.
I had completely missed fall sneaking past me and now here we are, sprinting towards the end of 2017. Along with that overwhelming sensation of how fast this year has flown by comes this unexpected feeling of accomplishment. I wasn't supposed to be here. Not only was I not supposed to be outside of the hospital in my Berlin apartment, living without my parents, managing my life happy and well - I was not supposed to be existing at all around this point, not according to my first diagnosis and statement by my physician: Six - Nine weeks. That's not even the length of a college semester, it's shorter than a season and less time than summer break. To still be alive is a beautiful miracle, but to be living is so much more than that.
There have been days I've not felt so lucky. I've kept a straight face while hearing over and over again how limited my existence is, cried in the shower more often than I'd like to admit, pushed friends and family away, been impatient with my body and worst of all, questioned my purpose.
And yet, lucky for me, these bad days did teach me that strength is not defined by the absence of weakness, but by conquering it. Or in other words, your courage does not come from a lack of fear, but through acknowledging and facing them. I have fears and I have nightmares and I'm in pain, but so far I've always managed to pick up my pieces and rebuild myself. I apologise, I forgive, I let go and I heal. And then I break again, but it's never beyond repair and so the cycle continues and hopefully within every battle I become a stronger and braver me.
2017 was a heavy year to carry and whenever I feel close to becoming overwhelmed by the amount of change and I start thinking of the hours I spend fighting, running, collapsing and getting back up again, I remember this list I made to remind myself of how far I've come:
62 h chemo 54 days spent in hospital 150 h spent in waiting room 7 operations 6 CT 3 MRI 108 h spent driving (thank you mom and Aeneas) 103 shots (not including the insulin shots) 29 days spent in wheelchair 60 paintings/drawings 32 songs 17 poems 11 inspirational cancer fighters/survivors 1 love story uncountable acts of kindness, encouragement and love This list sums up my year. It doesn't capture the amount of tears, heartache and stress that go along with this new life, but it's a good reminder that for everything that decays, something beautiful grows back in its place. Cancer will take and take and take again, but I can also let it give. With all the bad that comes my way, there is always good that follows it. Wounds can heal. My body hurts and will rest, my heart breaks and will mend itself. As my lovely Rupi Kaur so beautifully writes:
So with all these lessons I'm learning the one that I was reminded of today, by writing this down, is that my initial statement was wrong. I am supposed to be here. No matter what the diagnosis or the physicians predicted. I knew I would be here.
30 Comments
12/3/2017 11:32:10 am
Beautifully written, Carla ❤️ Always thinking of you and your battle and hoping the future is good to you. Thank you for bringing such beauty to the world from such pain and heartache. Sending you positivity and light always. Xx
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Carla
12/4/2017 03:05:51 pm
My dear sunny, thank you for reading 💙
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Sunny
12/13/2022 08:06:29 am
Oh, Carla... I think of you so often-- and always with a smile.
Terri Mosley
12/3/2017 03:31:28 pm
I am a friend of your mom and Pam Benson.
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Carla
12/4/2017 03:08:03 pm
Thank you Terri, the writing helps me a lot and Hopefully my posts can help others in their darker moments aswell.
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Anne Lloyd
12/3/2017 10:19:13 pm
Carla, I’m John’s my mom. I’m praying for you. I love your concept of courage. Thank you for the insight.
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Carla t
12/4/2017 03:14:16 pm
Thank you 🦋 John has been such an incredible help for our family especially during this challenging time.
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Tim zannes
12/5/2017 07:19:20 pm
You are my hero. Your strength and vision are beyond your years. Iam proud of you and of your parents for having such a wonderful daughter.
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Katarina Burai
12/6/2017 08:54:30 am
Absolutely incredible Carla. Your strength is an inspiration.
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Nancy Arendas
12/6/2017 12:30:33 pm
I've read your words over and over and shared them with my children. We often forget how important it is to just be. Be... fighting, singing, laughing, crying, wishing, hoping, living, loving, hating this disease. You are an amazing woman. I pray that you do all that brings you joy. Keep striving to be you! ❤️
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Eithne Goddard/ Fáchtna Young
12/7/2017 06:24:08 am
Remember God is on your side,and you believe.we bombard Him every day,
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AuthorI'm carla. My friends think I'm a superhuman and will change the world and right now I'm battling lung cancer and I'm trying to keep you all updated. (Friends are currently writing this - carla really is a superhuman) Archives
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