The trick to not getting lost in the world of cancer and all its potential outcomes, is to take on no more than 24 hours at a time. Once I got to Heidelberg we discussed a long-term game plan.
I understood the concept of what the Doctors were planning and I knew why we were going over every worst case scenario in the book. However, by the end of the meeting all I asked was "Is there a chance we can make this work?" and they said there was. It doesn't matter how small the chance is, how depressing the statistics, once you know what you're dealing with, all the numbers and facts become secondary to the power of the individual. And so I've set up my 24 hour game plan and learned to celebrate small victories. My heart is working fine, there are no signs of metastasis in my brain, liver and ovaries, and my blood sugar levels are stabile. I can find something everyday to add to the list of little victories, even if it's something as banal as finishing a meal or going to a CT appointment without a wheel chair. On the day of the Women's March I got out of bed (for the first time in a while) and my mom and I walked down the hallway of my station four times. It was one of my bigger accomplishments that day to slowly move forward, despite the pain, next to my mom. She and I joined, in our very special way, the Walk for Women. In addition to my 24 hour rule I also focus on non medical related goals in the future. I picture seeing every close friend of mine again in very specific settings. I think about going salsa dancing, sitting wrapped up together with my sister on her couch (she knows I'll never let go of her again), playing soccer with the kids I used to nanny in Boston, being able to fully sing again (my air supply is slightly low which makes my singing sound more like an airy speaking voice) and rediscovering my independence. Those who know me, are very aware of my need to self sustain and indulge myself with solitude. When I became a full-time patient I had to immediately give up on making choices on my own and experiencing privacy. Technically it's a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things and I've become quite a natural at crying, laughing and undressing in front of my audience of nurses and doctors. My Chemo started yesterday night. It's done, and even though I'm aware of the side effects of this treatment I don't need to think about them until I've reached those next 24 hours. So as of now my recipe for a peace of mind during this cancer period of my life is the 24 hour rule combined with a daily dose of futuristic thinking, just to make sure I can sleep with slightest hint of a smile on my face.
29 Comments
Roger Amuruz
1/27/2017 10:59:49 am
Carla, you are wonderful. We know that time flies, and even higher when we share beautiful things like thoughts, hugs and smiles. I'll see you soon.
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Gaia
1/27/2017 07:46:25 pm
Carla, I've never met you in person (yet). I go to Berklee like you. I'm a CWP/Perf. major. I came to know your story through common friends and Facebook. Even if I don't know you personally, I just want to tell you you are SO inspiring and strong! Every night before going to bed, and actually every time I can take a break from the busy Berklee daily routine, I think of you and send you all my energy and positive thoughts. Although I didn't speak to you, I can already tell you deserve all the love and smiles of this world!
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Carla
1/28/2017 03:37:53 am
Thank you Gaia, I'm sure we'll have a chance to meet in person. Until then I will store all the positive energy and thoughts you send my way.
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Yaman Akdogan
1/27/2017 08:49:30 pm
Carla, I just read your blog. You are a true inspiration for us with your strength and determination. Even I haven't met with you, I have been thinking about you as we're both berklee fellows. I know that you will get through this, I will keep praying for you and sending positive energy. Stay strong. Hugs, Yaman
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carla
1/28/2017 03:42:01 am
All the positive thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement are going to make this journey so much lighter for me. Thank you for helping me carry this.
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1/27/2017 09:30:07 pm
Love the courage, you have mustered, even though you wish you didn't have to!
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Kristi Thomas
1/29/2017 02:36:33 pm
Your 24 hour rule is brave, smart and inspirational. I have already found ways to use your plan to make better sense of my life each day. Although of course I wish I knew you better, reading your story and looking at the pictures of you with friends and family filled with love, I feel like I know you a little more. We are second cousins - your Dad and I actually went to the New England Conservatory at the same time. His Dad and my Mom are brother and sister. Music is definitely a common thread in our family. Our grandmother Sally, a wonderful pianist for all of her life, would be really proud of all of us. She was a super cool person - I adored her.
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AuthorI'm carla. My friends think I'm a superhuman and will change the world and right now I'm battling lung cancer and I'm trying to keep you all updated. (Friends are currently writing this - carla really is a superhuman) Archives
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